I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
