pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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