Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
