omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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