There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
