don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
