Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
