So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
