clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize