The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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