he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
