I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
