she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
