Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
