Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
