textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize