Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
