last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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