Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
