I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
