My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
