I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
