Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
