If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize