Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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