I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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