i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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