uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
