I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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