Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
