Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
