I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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