my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
