If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
