I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
