I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
