Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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