made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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