He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
