when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize