two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
