So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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