I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
