i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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