you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
