Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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