you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
