No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
