I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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