Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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