I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
