remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
