Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
