Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
