She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
