I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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