I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
