Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize