My first STD was from a foam party
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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