Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
