this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize