i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
