I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
