I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
